seven things I should've learned about you by now

1. you are so unbelievably oblivious,
even by my standards.
I sent you that picture
yeah, I know you have it.
love,
I wanted to talk to you.
I wanted you to whisper in my ear
all of the things you told me this time last year
but apparently
you don’t feel that way anymore.
but I have evidence you once did
when I can't sleep, I type into the search bar "love"
finding bittersweet comfort there,
burying it somewhere among the tears I shed
over what isn't anymore.

2. you are so unbelievably clueless,
even by my standards.
because yes, I took your picture
because you make me happy.
I also took your picture
because I love you
because I need you
because don't know how to be without you -
you’re the only person who’s heard about my writing,
and never asked to read it.
ask, love.
ask.
please ask.
I think you’d be surprised as to what you find.

3. you love, (or, loved) me so unbelievably much
by anybody’s standards.
you held me those nights under the stars
I know you’d not held anybody like that before
love, I could tell.
but love,
every night I lie in bed and I go back to those nights
I’ve never been able to replace them since.
those nights, drunk on moonlight,
I lost, drunk on vodka -
will they ever come back?
darkness is so empty
when I am trying to hide from pleas(e) -
these days I am so very afraid of tenses.

4. our lives are such different paths -
even by my standards.
how I fooled myself for so very long
thinking you were no fork in the road
believing that our walks were parallel tracks
willing my way of thinking to envelop you and change you
part of your appeal, love, is that -
compared to me you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m just more careful as to with whom I talk about it.

5. you don’t care as much as I do.
but, by my standards, nobody does.
“right.”?
I’ve poured my heart out to you many a time-
“right.”?
oh, but nothing's changed between us-
"right."?
when you wanted to talk to me
your words fit mine like you were made for me.
now you don’t-
I’m always the one to send the last message.

6. you are not different
even by my standards. and by that I mean
you held on for long months at a time
still seeking after me in the ways that you know how -
and now, as if it had been prophesised months in advance
my fears have been coming true and
you are slipping between my fingers
like sand, faster than I can catch you
and I am so scared.
I never wanted to lose you this way
but the truth is you are not different
you are not special
you are not unique-
not any more so than anybody else.

7. but you are unrivalled.
by anybody’s standards.
the day I stand by and say “I loved you.”
will be the day I cease to fear tenses
and while that day may well come-
that day is not here yet.
until then, love,
I hope we keep seeking each other
in whatever way we know how.